


If Only

by Slother



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: AND SWEET, Angst, Crying, Crying in just about every scene, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Manipulation, Face-Fucking, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I might edit this in the future and add the loss of virginity scene, Lies, Loss of Virginity, Lots of Crying, M/M, Physical Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Regret, Sexual Abuse, Songfic, Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma, blowjob, just really sad, or maybe a whole new chapter just for that, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:26:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slother/pseuds/Slother
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick was walking on eggshells with Morty. It seemed like any given day was a ticking time bomb for either of them: Rick was scared of Morty confiding their secret to others, and Morty was terrified of Rick leaving again. *Sexual and physical abuse trigger warning.* (Songfic - First Time He Kissed a Boy)</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> Yup, I'm a piece of garbage. This is a songfic for First Time He Kissed a Boy by Kadie Elder. I took some of the literal lyrics metaphorically and some of the metaphorical lyrics literally in order to fit the fanfic better. Here's a link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et8R5fZOARo Also, just a warning, there's a lot of time skipping involved, but I don't think it's hard to figure that out.

_Troubled face_  
_Headphones on_  
_Forgetting time and place_  
_All he wanted_

When Rick first came home, it was a day of raw emotions for everyone. Beth seemed to cry the whole day, from excitement and relief and happiness to finally see her father for the first time in 20 years. She cried into his shoulder. He hugged her tightly, sighing a heavy sigh of relief to finally have a home. To be home. There was time for anger later. Time for the fight. Now was for the reunion. They held each other for what seemed like hours until both had gone silent and Rick’s dirty lab coat was wet with tears. Jerry didn’t need for Rick to be introduced to him. He had known him for a while as a high schooler. They never had never gotten (and never would get) along.

Then Morty and Summer came home from school. Beth, teary-eyed once again, introduced her father to them. The siblings glanced at each other in shock and then back up at the man towering over them. They knew about him, Beth would talk about him and cry sometimes while drinking. It was like a dream. The duo didn’t know how to react until suddenly tears welled up in Summer’s eyes and Morty shot up and hugged him. Everyone but Rick and Jerry was crying now. Morty pulled away from the hug, eyes wet, and Rick gazed down at him with a warm smile. No one but Morty noticed how his hands lingered on the younger’s shoulders, how his warm smile slowly melted into something more wolfish. Morty’s ears grew hot and he swallowed air.

_Feeling stuck_  
_Set him free_  
_Running out of luck_  
_On his knees_

Rick shoved Morty against the wall of the garage. Morty whimpered in response, mostly because Rick will push Morty’s limits until he elicits a response, but also to convince himself that it’s not okay, that it’s wrong and he shouldn’t be as used to it as he is.

Rick shoves a sloppy kiss onto Morty’s lips, opening Morty’s unintentionally willing lips with his tongue. Morty gagged and cringed at the taste of lingering booze in Rick’s mouth, despite having tasted it countless times, and shut his eyes tight. Rick didn’t care. He shoved his knee between his grandson’s legs and ground it into his crotch.

“Get on your knees,” Rick said, and Morty obeyed. He had done this so many times, and he had learned not to resist too much. It was hopeless, and he’d had to dodge too many questions about his bruises to try fighting back anymore. He knew what Rick wanted. Morty’s shaking hands unbuttoned Rick’s pants, undid his fly, and pulled his pants down to his thighs, along with his boxers. He wrapped his mouth around Rick’s cock. Rick’s hands found his way into Morty’s curls, pulling his mouth further down the length of his cock as he hit the base of his grandson’s throat. Tears streamed down Morty’s face, dripping to the ground, the horrible flavors of sweat and precum and Rick’s kiss burning into his tongue. He gagged and choked, sobbing around Rick, his head going light as Rick thrust into his throat. The room was filled with the sounds of gagging and moaning.

 _First time he kissed a boy_  
_He had never, never known_  
_Cover up is what they told_  
_Feel so cold_

Rick pulled out of Morty and collapsed onto the bed beside him. Morty rolled onto his side and curled up in the fetal position near the edge of the bed, his back facing Rick. He shivered as he held in his tears. Rick soaked in the wonderful feeling of lying so comfortably in his now exhausted state, despite being in a shitty alien motel bed. He rested for a few moments, until he heard the audibly shaky sigh of his used grandson. Rick turned his head to the right to see the sweaty, blushing back of Morty, who was shivering in seemingly incessant waves.

Rick wanted to leave him be, to let him cry until he felt better, or maybe to hold him close and tell him it would be okay. But he knew better than to hug Morty of his own accord after what he had just forced him to do. Plus he had business to attend to. Rolling onto his side gently and propping himself up on his right elbow, he rested his left hand on Morty’s arm. Morty tensed under his touch but didn’t dodge it.

“Morty,” Rick said, pulling his hand away. Morty didn’t move. “Remember, you can never tell anyone about this. It’s our little secret, right?”  
Morty relaxed in submission. “Y-yeah, I know.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

 _First time he kissed a boy_  
_He had never, never loved_  
_Walks on a curvy road_  
_Feel so cold_

“You know, Morty, I can take you anywhere you want. Any country, any planet, anywhere in any universe.”

“O-oh wow, grandpa, really?”

“Yeah. Heh, just call me Rick.”

They stepped through his portal into a giant field of curly, deep purple grass-like plants. Morty looked around in awe. The sky above them was filled with nebulas and stars, more beautiful and bright than anything that could be seen from earth. Clouds of blue and green and pink blended together between the stars and black void. They sat down next to each other.

“Grand--I-I mean Rick, this is amazing!”

“Yeah.”

“Where are we?”

“We’re in galaxy TN J0924-2201, which is part of the Hydra constellation, but the planet we’re on hasn’t been named or inhabited by intelligent life yet. Universe M-483. Actually, we’re not that far from earth. Around 11 billion light years, but that’s nothing compared to other galaxies I’ve been to.”

They stared into the sky for a minute.

“Y-you know, Morty, I’ve been basically everywhere. I’ve been to places that are indescribable. I’ve seen the birth and death of galaxies. Hell, I’ve created and killed galaxies with my own hands. And if there’s anything that holds true through the entire multiverse, it’s that nothing fucking matters. Every second, infinite beings are born through infinite universes, and infinite beings die. Everybody dies in the end, and when they’re gone, more often than not, they don’t leave anything behind. Nothing for them to be remembered by.”

“I-is there, like, a moral in there o-or something?”

“Not a life lesson or anything.” Rick shifted around to sit in front of Morty. “I just wanted to explain to you beforehand why this doesn’t matter in the long run.” He pushed Morty backwards and planted his hands on either side of the boy’s torso. Morty propped himself up on his elbows, confusion drawn on his face, but was pushed back onto the ground when Rick kissed him.

 _Keeping back_  
_The ghost inside_  
_Locked him in a pack_  
_All his life_  
_All his life_

It was close to 2 in the morning, and Rick was fiddling with a little gadget to tire himself out to the point of exhaustion. The weight of sleepiness threatened to pull his eyelids over his burning eyes when he heard crying. He recognized it immediately as Morty; He had heard him cry countless times, especially during the first few of their… special encounters. But his crying was contained to those such instances. When he felt his weakest and most hopeless. Even though he knew that it was probably best if he didn’t, Rick got up and walked into Morty’s room.

Morty heard the door open, heard Rick saunter over carefully and sit on the edge of his bed. He could tell, just by the quietness of his steps and the tender way that Rick sat down, it wouldn’t be one of those nights. It was fine to let his guard down. Rick took his diminishing sobs as a sign that Morty appreciated the company. Morty rolled over and looked into Rick’s face, the wrinkles of worry all the more accentuated by the dim lighting. It was endearing. Morty didn’t want him to know how he really felt. He wanted Rick to feel guilty, hopefully to the point of stopping his assaults, but tonight he just didn’t care enough to keep up the masquerade. To hold back his feelings anymore (Feelings, of course, stemming from Stockholm Syndrome, but Morty didn’t know that). Morty reached up and hugged Rick’s chest, staining his wifebeater with tears. Rick hugged back gently, rubbing soothing circles onto Morty’s back.

“Will you stay with me?” Rick nodded in response and lied down on his back next to Morty. Morty rested his head on Rick’s chest and wrapped his arms around his grandfather’s torso. Rick slid his hand over the small of Morty’s back with his left hand, his right hand gently petting his hair. Their legs intertwined like snakes, and they fell asleep within seconds.

 _First time he kissed a boy_  
_He had never, never known_  
_Cover up is what they told_  
_Feel so cold_

“Morty, what’s with that bruise on your arm?”

Beth’s question make him tense up, scared of accidentally letting the truth slip out. He subconsciously brushed the fingers of his right hand across his left forearm, where the speckled bruise had started to darken into a purplish hue. He jumped a little bit when Rick’s hand found his underneath the dinner table, wrapping his fingers around Morty’s while his thumb brushed his knuckles gently as reassurance.

It happened frequently; Morty would try to talk to Rick, to maybe get him to stop his attacks on his innocence, but Rick would never listen. And then Morty would get mad at Rick, and Rick would, in turn, get mad at Morty, until they were fighting. Those were the nights when Rick would get more drunk than usual and sneak into Morty’s room. Then it was a coin flip. He would either fuck Morty silly against his will or get violent, depending on God knows what. Morty never knew what to prepare himself for. Last night, Rick started throwing things at him, and he managed to protect his head from a particularly hard blow from a heavy schoolbook by holding up his arm in self-defense. The front cover is what hit his arm, so the impact was fortunately spread over a wider area, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch.

The next day, Morty was even more distant than usual from Rick. He would flinch when Rick called his name. _What’s wrong?_ Rick asked. _You don’t remember?_ Rick tried and failed to recall anything from last night. Morty explained, and Rick apologized, peppering kisses over Morty’s jaw and neck while the young boy giggled and said it was okay. How was he not going to say that when Rick was being so sweet and apologetic?

(Morty didn’t know, but that was called manipulation.)

Morty cast a very quick side glance to Rick before returning his attention to Beth. “We-we were… um, we were p-playing volleyball in gym class yesterday. It’s nothing.”

“Oh, I remember playing volleyball in high school! Yeah, I got bruises like that when I first started playing…” Beth started talking about her days in high school. Morty looked over to Rick, and Rick smiled at him and squeezed his hand under the table.

 _First time he kissed a boy_  
_He had never, never loved_  
_Walks on a curvy road_  
_Feel so cold_

“You can’t talk about this to anyone, okay?” It was a habit at this point, like spouses saying ‘I love you’ or brushing your teeth in the morning. Rick would remind Morty of their secret, and that it should remain just that - a secret, an unconfessed sin. And Morty would always respond with some form of an affirmation, sometimes the slightest of nods, and sometimes with cuddling and sobbing until he fell asleep in Rick’s arms. But today, Morty hesitated and stared at the floor.

“Rick… I don’t know how long I’m gonna be able to keep this up.”

Rick froze. “W-what do you mean?”

He shuffled his feet. “I-I mean, this is all really heavy. I want things to be normal between us, but I don’t… I don’t think that’s possible anymore. I j-just don’t know what to-to do.”

“Here, let me make it up to you. We’ll go on a nice, fun, innocent adventure together, maybe go to Blitz and Chips afterwards. How about that? And I’ll leave you be for a week. A whole week, and I won’t do anything that you don’t want me to. I’ll stay on a different planet for the whole week if that’s what you want.”

Morty sighed. “Let me think about it.” He turned to exit the garage and head to the dining room, but Rick’s voice stopped him in his tracks.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll leave.”

His voice was calm and soft, but its implications were deafening enough for the soft whirs and hums of Rick’s inventions to seemingly stop. Morty’s breath caught in his throat, and he unintentionally held his breath for several seconds. No matter what Rick was doing to him, no matter what he told anyone, he couldn’t do that to Beth. She needed Rick like plants need the sun. And even though Rick’s return had broken Morty’s life, killed his innocence, taken everything he had and still kept draining him, he had also fulfilled a need that Morty didn’t know he had. His reintroduction into a domestic home had put a great strain on Beth and Jerry’s marriage, but he was also the last bond holding them together by a mere thread of hope. If he left, whatever bond they still had would snap, and everything Morty had would crumble with it. Morty depended on Rick staying, and he was prepared to do anything that it takes to keep him here.

Finally, Morty turned around, his gaze cast to the floor as he bit his lip. His answer was obvious: He wouldn’t say a thing to anyone. He knew it, and Rick knew it, too. But he had to say it. He had to swallow his pride, but fuck it, Rick had taken everything from him, so why not his sliver of dignity too?  
“Can you pick me up from school tomorrow?” Normally Rick wouldn’t accept such a roundabout answer, but it today it was okay. Rick smiled at Morty, small but genuine. It was enough to make Morty either want to cry or laugh. One of the two started to bubble in his throat, he wasn’t sure which, but to his surprise he fell to his knees instead. And then he laughed, much to Rick’s confusion, until his laughter morphed into a hybrid between giggles and pained hiccups, his face impossibly holding both a smile and a frown. Rick stood from his chair and walked over, taking off his lab coat as he did so. He wrapped the coat around Morty’s shoulders gently before wrapping a protective arm around his shaking form. Rick grabbed one of the sleeves of his lab coat and dabbed at the tears on Morty’s cheeks. Morty rested his head against his grandfather’s chest, and Rick circled his arms around his back, cradling him and drawing him closer. Morty lifted his head up and pecked Rick on the lips before putting his head back against Rick’s chest.

_Get lost, get lost, get lost, get lost  
Get lost, get lost, get lost, get lost_

“You’re _leaving?_ ”

Morty stared at Rick in disbelief as he felt his nose tingle and a knot form in his throat. “But I-I never told anyone about-about what… what you-what we--”

‘It’s not about you.” Rick took another swig from his flask and set it on the table with the clang of metal on metal. Morty frustratedly ran his fingers through his curly brown hair and tugged at it subconsciously.

“Then why?”

“There are a l-lot of reasons. You wouldn’t underst-AAand most of them, Morty. But I-I’m bad for this family. Everything you guys have is going to hell because of me. Listen, i-it’s not just about you, or this household…” He scratched at the back of his head. “I knew from the start that I wouldn’t stay here for long.”

“So you _lied_ to me?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You said you would stay as long as I didn’t tell anybody.”

Shit. Rick should have been more clear, because now the kid’s been holding onto the false assumption that he would stay there forever for at least a few months. Rick walked over to where Morty stood, put his arm around his grandson’s shoulder and led him over to his chair, letting him sit down. Morty stared up at Rick, angry and confused and sad. Rick sighed. “I never promised that I would stay. I said I would leave if you said anything, but I never said that I wouldn’t leave if you didn’t say anything. Honestly, I was going to leave either way.”

“A-are you kidding me? My life would have been so much easier if I had just spoken up to somebody, but instead I let myself be _used_ by you in order to protect this family. You’re the only thing keeping it together.” Morty stood up to feel larger, less small under Rick’s gaze, but he still only barely came up to Rick’s shoulders.

“I can’t stay, even if I wanted to. This is much, much larger than you, or Beth, or anyone else. I’m the smartest thing in the universe. I’m wanted by the Galactic Federation for so many reasons. I’ve gotten myself wrapped up in some really fucked up stuff, kiddo, and I can’t stay here. If you want to protect this family, you should be kicking me out.”

Rick reached forwards and pulled Morty into a hug, but to his surprise Morty shoved him away. “No, fuck you, Rick, you can’t do this! You can’t just take everything I have and then some a-and then just… just fucking leave me here with nothing left! There’s nothing left for me without you!”

“...I’m sorry.” But that won’t fix anything.

“You’re like a knife lodged in my chest, a-and if I get rid of the knife I’ll bleed out and die.” Morty punctuated his metaphor by kicking a nearby box.

Rick’s expression turned from one of sorrow to one of compassion. “But one way or another, the knife has to come out eventually. I can’t be with you for the rest of your life. I’m really sorry.”

“I don’t care. I don’t fucking care. Just… just go say ‘bye’ to Mom or something, or don’t, I don’t care. Just get away from me.”

So this is how it was happening. Rick knew it wouldn’t go well, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get through to Morty anymore. He had royally screwed everything up now, and there was no way to fix it. Both of them would regret this for the rest of their lives. He had taken everything from Morty; He was his first kiss, he had taken his virginity, his innocence, his life. And now he was leaving as suddenly as he had come, leaving nothing behind but pain and horrible memories. One thing that Rick had never said, that he wanted to now, was “I love you.” He just didn’t know if it would come off as desperate, even though he was, or if Morty would resent him even more, as if it was a last-ditch effort to make Morty stop hating him, even though it is. There was only one surefire way to make things at least sort-of okay.

“I’ll make a deal with you.” Morty’s head immediately snapped over to where Rick stood. “But before I do, I want to let you know that I will be leaving… eventually.”

That got Morty’s attention. “W-what do you mean? Are you going to stay for longer?”

“Yes. I’ll stay for maybe another year, but in return I want you to promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“When I leave, and once I’m gone, or dead, or in jail, please... don’t hate me.”

Silence. There was silence, for at least 30 seconds, before Morty finally nodded his head. Rick held Morty close, and the two held each other as tightly as they could, as if it would make the rest of the world disappear and everything would be fine. If only.

If only.


End file.
